LIFE

Here we are. Alive. What are we doing about it? I don't know how you feel, but let me see if I can figure out how I feel in words...

We quite possibly had no choice in this existence... we might just be a part of a plan, or completely floating around on this ball of matter in a huge universe with no intentions or meaning... I'm ok with that. I prefer to believe this all means something and we have purposes, and waking up and being inspired is a good place to start. Today, I feel all of that. But who knows about tomorrow - tomorrow might be one of my days that being alive is the hardest task, and getting out of bed is torture. Thats what i get to deal with. And i know that may be a harder existence then some, but most likely, i still have it easier than 90% of the world. Whats crazy is, even knowing I have it "easier" than many, doesn't do a damn bit of good when my mind turns on me. It's chemicals, it's "bi-polar", it's "depression", whatever title it's been given, i live with it. it is in me, and someday's im completely out of control with it, and most other days, i have a small grasp on the mental mind fuck i live in. 

I do a lot of different things to help manage "life with mental illness". I watch what I eat, what i consume, i went sober, and i try to exercise as much as possible. No matter what i do, it doesn't "go away". It shows up on a pretty calculated cycle, and i always forget it will happen again, when it happens. 

I was, for along time, a complete victim to it. I had no way out - the world was ending every time it happened and I made horrible, detrimental life decisions that i pretty much always regretted during these times and I would bounce around, back and forth, always indecisive and super insecure about everything i thought or wanted. Life was hell, or absolutely perfect and nothing existed in between. This wasn't that long ago and it will always sort of still exist even if i do grab ahold of some magic pill that "fixes" it. But there is nothing to FIX. i am who i am, and ive been given this, and i refuse to believe its bad or wrong or anything but reality. it is what it is. I want to accept myself, there for i must accept that this happens to me and i do not have to be lost in it when it happens. 

This is a continuing story - since  today im writing this in the upswing from the happening... I write this to remind myself, when im in the change, to write and let that out so i can be open to it... open up about it... let i t be less of a secret and more of a normal topic to be discussed. Too many people feel alone in their heads, and its scary what it does to each of us. I am here to let you know you are not alone. There are so many people who battle mental illness and desire to understand more about mental health - i want to be someone whos open to the conversation...